Cliche Wars
by SpecOpStarr
Summary: Heh. Parody abounds.. Episode VI: attack of the Fangirl is up. I think this is the best chapter yet.. it's got something for everyone
1. Episode IV: A New Fic

A/n: Be prepared for cynical, sarcastic, crude, rude, and … cruel.. Humor. None shall be spared..

Except maybe you.. yes, you, the one in the Pac Man t Shirt.

What do you mean that's a cheese pizza shirt? Fine then, FUCK YOU, TOO!

Cliché Wars

_Episode IV: A New Fic_

Harry boarded the bus to Hogwarts express and walked back to a particularly special compartment to meet his friends. His friends are Ron and Hermione for those of you who don't know that. Morons.

Anyway, Harry walks into the compartment and sits next to Ron and across from Hermione.. In that order.

"So. Soon we will begin are 7th year… wow," said Harry plot-fully.

"Yeah. It's hard to believe, isn't it?" questioned Hermione.

"Most definitely. Something tells me that things will happen this year," Said Ron with an air of Foreshadowing.

Suddenly, the compartment door burst--..no, SLID—open. Malfoy was standing there in all of his Blonde fury. He glared at Harry and prepared to give his dramatic threat.

"….See you on the quidditch field Potter." He snarled.

The three good guys were appalled by this rather un-threatening statement.

"Where's OUR threats?" asked Hermione and Ron in unison. Draco faltered.

"..You aren't worthy of my wit," he saved. Then he walked out the door with a suave whoosh of his cloak.

"As I was saying.. I bet stuff will indeed happen this year." Recapped Ron.

After a rather long and uneventful train ride, the students and probably some other items, arrived and the Amazing Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry, Hermione, and the Other Kid went into the Great Hall because that's how the plot goes.

Dumbledore stood up and began to give his speech.

"Welcome Harry, Hermione and…..Ron, to your seventh year of Hogwarts! Everybody else, you're welcome to stay, too.. We always need extras. And to Draco, don't worry. Your food is NOT poisoned!"

The authoress of this fic suddenly got distracted by a very, very, shiny object.. and decided that this was a long enough intro to the fic….

A/N: Okay. I totally wasn't planning on it being this weird.. and it's going to be.. kind of a star wars style spoof, IE, 6 chapters long, the last 3 are really the first three (mwpp time) and future chapters will definitely be longer. ..And make more sense. .and be humorous.. just stick with me okay?

Shameless Plug: I'm illustrating fics and drawing OC's now. Requests will be taken, (No slash though…).


	2. Episode V: Return of the Voldemort

Cliche Wars

_Episode V: Return of the Voldemort_

After the traditional and rather boring sorting and supper, our heroes make their way back up to Gryffindor tower, where the much anticipated plot device awaits. Harry and Ron walked into their dorm and Harry immediately made his way to his bed, at the foot of which his trunk, owl, and various other items were stowed by something or other while he ate. Ignoring all of this for plot's sake, he went staight to his bed. On it, lay a note. He read it and passed it to Ron.

"_Harry,_

_So dreadful sorry I haven't been in touch. Where I'm at currently makes it especially difficult to send OWLS. Enclosed is an edition of 'Where's Waldo'. I'm where Waldo is. This is my newest plan in keeping all that are looking for me on their toes. …Not that anyone would be looking for a large black dog._

_Cornobbling Yours,_

_Snuffles."_

"Cornnobbling? What the zark does that mean?" asked Ron.

"..It means.. to be hit by a fish.." answered Harry as he scanned the picture looking for the elusive man in the red and white striped shirt.

"Right. Anyway-"

BOOM! CRASH! DRAMATIC MUSIC!

"VOLDEMORT!" Screamed Harry

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Ron

It turned out it was just Hedwig trying to get in the closed window.

"Oh, It was only Hedwig! Said Harry, "And look, she has a note, too!"

"_Harry. _

_Nevermind how we got your owl. The important thing is that you meet us deep in the forbidden forest. We have a present for you.. It rhymes with 'Wookie'. We also have milk._

_Love, _

_Dark Side…er….the Happy Nice Organization._

_P.S. You can bring your silly red-headed friend and the bossy mean girl."_

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Ron…What rhymes with 'wookie?'"

Ron scratched his head .

"Rookie… lookie.. cookie.."

"Cookies! They want to give us cookies."

Hermione opened the door.

"You do realize this is a trap, don't you?" she asked rhetorically.

Harry shrugged.

"Most likely. Want to come?" he asked.

"Yeah.. why not." Shrugged Hermione.

After some pretty nifty ninja sneaking, involving tools handed down from the previous and far superior generation, Harry, Hermione, and Ronikins made their way to the specified disclosed area in the forest.

"Helllo! We've come for the Wookie!" said Harry.

"Cookies," hissed Hermione.

"Right. What the bossy one said," continued Harry.

"Ha! We've got you now!" said a nameless Deatheater as it grabbed Hermione and Ron.

"…Good afternoon, Harry.." crooned a deep smooth voice from the inexplicable mist.

"It's not afternoon.. it's the middle of the night.." said Harry smartly, obviously oblivious to the dramatic entrance the shadowy figure was trying to make.

The figure sighed and stepped from the shadows.. it had glowing red eyes and resonated evil.

"VOLDEMORT!" gasped Harry

"Eeek!" yelped Ron before he promptly fainted.

Harry raised his wand.

"Bring it!" he threatened.

"I haven't brought you here to fight you Harry," Voldemort said smoothly.

"..Yeah, I know. You've come here to kill me. Like the past five years. You're very early this time, by the way. I'm not sure if it's good writing to have a climax only 2 chapters in."

"It's only been 4 years, you dupe!" groaned Hermione, "Third year was just SIRIUS we only THOUGHT he was working for Voldemort.. honestly."

"You're both obnoxiously rude and egotistical. I like that in an apprentice." Said Voldemort.

"Apprentice? Never!" yelled Harry. "You killed my parents! You FRAMED my Godfather!"

"No Harry.. Sirius wasn't only your Godfather.. .because.." Voldemort rasped..

" I AM HIS FATHER!"

"Nooooooooooo!" screamed Harry in a fit of Spoofness.

"Yes. Sirius is my son.. Due to a rather interesting turn of events that I will not currently discuss, I became Sirius's father and uncle."

"Right. I'm just going to ignore that statement. Now, you have 30 seconds/words to explain to me why Hermione and I should join you.. oh. And is there an opening for Ron?"

"Yes. He can be a lackey," began Voldemort, " You should join the Dark Side, because we have cloaks that are very whooshy, and a good dental plan. And of course cookies. But most importantly, the Authoress hates you Harry.. so you should make it easier on her by being evil."

"Fair enough, count me in." submitted Harry.

"Harry no! We must fight for truth, justice, goodness in general!" exclaimed Hermione.

"The Dark Side has a very big library.." coaxed Voldie.

"Right. I'm in, too." Said Hermione.

"Excellent! We shall rule the Galaxy together! MWHAHAHAHA!.. Oh. And by the way Harry. I'm _your_ father, too."

"What! No way! James is my dad!"

"..Who said I _wasn't_ James?" said VoldieJames.

"NNNNNNNOOOOO," screamed Harry. " This is way too fucked up! I'm out!"

Harry opened his eyes and looked in his lap. A book lie there.

"_The Power of Perception: A look at DeCartian philosophy."_ He read.

"I've read that book," said Hermione. "DeCarte believed that the entire world was what you thought it to be. I think, therefore I am. He believed you could alter reality just by thought."

"Kind of like a fanfic authoress?" asked Ron. The three laughed and the scene faded.

A/n: Surely that's worth a comment? I won't continue unless I get three new comments. I just hate posting art, fics, anything and never getting any feedback. I really don't care what you say, just as long as I know SOMEONE actually read it. I hoped everyone liked the rather anti-climatic ending to this episode..

In a TOTALLY UNREALATED NOTE, Has anyone noticed how many Star Wars tie in there are out there? It's really creeping me out..


	3. Episode VI: The Fangirl Strikes Back

A/n:

Annabelle… Funiemonkie..

You guys.. are my heroes. I lurve you guys .

Technically, I got 3 new reviews.. just no only on this fic.. I'm hoping people will grow to love it..Enough of this though.. ONWARD, MARCH!

Tha Muse: It's may. Fucktard.

Me:.. You're a cynic little jerk, you know that?

Tha Muse:. .It's from working with you..

Me:..Touche..

Cliché Wars

Episode VI: The Fangirl Strikes Back 

The trio made their way down to the Great Hall for dinner.

"That was a particularly horrid Potions class, don't you think?" asked Harry.

"Oh yes, Bloody dreadful. Mostly because the way Snape was looking at you all period." Said Ron.

"What?" said Harry with a concerned look.

"Everyone, Shut you faces!  
Screamed Dumbledore at the top of his old yet unseemingly strong lungs.

"How out of character," mumbled Hermione with slight suspicion.

"Today.. Something positively WONDERFUL has happened!" he said with delight.

"We have a new student. A day late, yes.. but who cares? Because she is TOTALLY AWESOME!"

Dumbledore pulled back a previously nonexistent curtain to reveal--------

The Prettiest girl in the entire everywhere.

She was tall, slender and had straight blond hair that fell into soft waves down her back. Her eyes were bright green, and shone icy blue. Her cheeks had soft rosy red coloration to them, as if she was flattered by Dumbledore's enthusiasm.

"Hello everyone. My name is Phoenix Sabrina Cute Lynn Magickson, but you can call me 'Fi'.

The crowd was in awe, everyone basked in the light of total purity Fi generated.

Harry looked into her blue eyes and saw on her forehead.. was a small but still totally attractive lightning bolt scar…

Hermione raised an eyebrow. It seemed that the entire room had gone … STUPID. She could almost taste the bad grammar and the tangle of typos. Not to mention the fact that she heard music coming from nowhere, and birds had starting whistling.

"What the hell.." she mumbled.

After Fi explained her reasons for attending Hogwarts, (which was a lavish plot designed to promote world peace and end poverty,) the school made it's way back into their respective dorms. Fi was in gryffindor, naturally. She lilted up the staircase, humming a diddy as she went, and into her dorm room.

Hermione stared at Harry and Ron.

"Either of you notice anything freakishly… freakish.. about that new girl?

"I've noticed that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.." said Harry.

"I want to attend to her every whim…" said Ron..

"I want to be sick." Said Fred.

"Me too," said George.

"Well I'm glad someone ag—Wait, what in the Hrung are you two doing here…?"

The twins shrugged.

"Comic relief," suggested Fred.

Ron and Harry obliviously stumbled their way to their dorms..only God knew what was on their minds. Well.. God and Fi. She's telepathic, you know.

"So. You two notice that there's something really strange happening too, right?"

"Yeah. It's quite obvious that things are … different…" stated George.

"I know it must be Fi but-" suddenly tinkering footfalls came down the stairs.

"My, Hermione, you should really go to sleep. Early to bed, early to rise," she smiled.

"Um.. whatever.." said Hermione as she slinked up the stairs."

Fi giggled.

"Hermione has a lot of spirit. I find it absolutely charming, don't you Fred?"

"…I'm not.. Fred.. I'm George.. He's Fred." Said Fred.

Fi giggled again.

"Oh, you two jokers! You can't pull one over on my so easily. It was lovely of you to try though. Here.. I made you both some chocolate, it tastes divine but it's healthy! Good night.." she danced back upsatirs.

"Fred.." said George as he held the box of confectioneries.

"Yeah George?"

"..I'm scared …"

"Me too.." answered Fred

The next morning, Hermione started a plan to figure out what was going on. Surveillance of the subject was way to risky, so as she sat in her trunk, hiding herself in the darkness, phase one came to mind.

Hermione pulled herself out the trunk and looked around. Fi was no where insight. She cleared her throat.

"Fi.. Phoenix, can you please come here?"

She hadn't finished her sentence before she heard inexplicable music heading her way.

"Yes Hermione?" she said in a honey sweet voice.

"I was wondering if you could do me a favor, and take my place cheering on the Gryffindor team at quidditch practice today, I have a potions paper I need to finish." Hermione asked.

"Why of course. And when I get back, I can help you with your astronomy scroll, too" Fi cooed.

"Thanks you kindly," smiled Hermione.

After Fi had left the room, Hermione hurried to the Owlery which was apparently where Gred and Forge had been living.

"I think I've ditched her for the day, " Hermione told them.

"Excellent. To the Library!" charged Fred.

"Excuse me.." said Hermione, "But we need to look in the restricted section." She told the Librarian.

"Sorry. It's off limits to students." She replied.

"We're.. On an errand for Miss Magicson," said Fred.

"Oh.Why didn't you say so? Here's the key." Smiled the bookeeper.

She handed them the key and the three made their way to the forbidden literary devices.

Fred skimmed the shelves with an index finger..

". veela..sirens.. succubi…" he paused on one particularly dark book. "Fangirls."

Hermione yanked it off the shelf and slung it open.

"Oh my god. It's worse than we could've ever imagined.."

That evening at the dinner, Harry and Ron sat by their entrancing new friend. Just as she was about to get to the punch line of an adorable joke, the great Hall doors burst open.

"She's not who you think she is Harry!" screamed Hermione.

Fred and George panted at her side.

"She's.. a.. Monster!" Fred exclaimed.

"She's.. a demon .. that creates feelings in your subconscious.. then she feeds on them until you wither and die.." gasped George.

"Why.. why would you say such horrible things about me?" sniffled Fi.

"Cut it, Phoenix." Hermione threw the book on the floor in front of them.

Fi's expression changed rather quickly then.

"So.. You've found me out?" she screeched. "Well, IT'S TOO LATE! I HAVE THIS ENITE SCHOOL UNDER MY HAND, I can squash it with nothing but a mere thought!"

Suddenly smoke billowed out from the room , and someone appeared from its mist.

"VOLDEMORT!" Screamed Harry.

"..Eek." said Ron unenthusiastically.

"I don't think so, Hogwarts is mine!" said Voldemort as he aimed his wand at the fangirl.

McGonagall leaned toward Dumbledore..

"Who's side are we supposed to be on?.." she asked.

"Frankly," said Dumbledore, "I'd say we're pretty screwed either way.

"HA HA HA! Even you can't stop me!" Fi cackled and she used telepathic waves to knock Voldie through the nearest solid object. "I SHALL RULE ALL!"

"Not quite." Said a perfectly calm and unperfect voice from a corner.

"And who might you be?" asked the demonic woman.

"I, my dear phoenix…am none other.. than… an Authoress." She stepped from the shadows, lap top in hand.

The crowd gasped and the fangirl winced.

"It was fun Fi, but.. .I really have to end the chapter now." A few taps on the keyboard and a blinding light filled the room, and a last "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" was heared from a fangirl in pain before she was silent.

"Well. It's been fun guys, but, I really gotta go." Said the Authoress. "It's a schoolnight." She smiled and vanished in a poof.

AN:…Hee hee hee.

Ps. The new xbox 360 is the most awesome thing I've ever seen in my entire life.. ever.. I love it and want to have it's children.


End file.
